Honestly speaking...

Honestly speaking I loved him. I loved his disarming smile, his wit and his charm. He was my whirlwind romance. Stormed into my life and gave me no choice but to fall ridiculously in love with him. I wanted to have his babies. Twins maybe. With dimples like their daddy. So maybe I was naive to think that we could live in the eye of the storm. But can you blame a girl for trying when for the first time in her life she made an emotional connection. He was thousands of miles away but it didn't stop him from reaching out, from sharing his secrets and holding on to mine. Honestly speaking it felt real. Like fate had brought us together and as long as we tried, nothing would tear us apart.
Honestly speaking I tried to love him. I opened up and let him in because I wanted to believe that if for a moment I let go of all my reservations I could really find love with this man. He was sweet, fairly attentive and always there but somehow it wasn't enough. Rather it wasn't right. I knew I wasn't easy to love and maybe I also knew that he wasn't up for the challenge. But I tried anyway. I told him my hopes and dreams and even some of my fears thinking maybe it would bring us closer but in the end seems it only drove us apart. Or maybe I gave up too easily.
Honestly speaking I wanted to love him. In his eyes I saw kindness. In his voice I heard sincerity. Here was a man who would take care of me. A man who would probably move mountains to ensure my happiness. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him in. I couldn't give him the part of me I held dear. I told myself it was because we were different. That we came from different backgrounds. We had very little in common. My mind knows that it would have killed me to say yes but my heart bled for him. For the heartache rejection would bring him. Noone wants to be just a friend but not everyone can be your true love.
Honestly speaking I was going to love him. Love him in a way that I'd never loved before. All he had to do was say the word and my heart would have been his in a heart beat. But I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him. That any sudden movement would scare him away. I told myself he'd come around sooner rather than later. That he would see that I was dying to be his happiness. To be the one on his mind when he woke up and the one on his mind when he laid his head to sleep. A bit ambitious I know but I would have put in the work if only he'd actually stuck around.
Honestly speaking I would have been the best thing he'd ever had. With me he would have had a shoulder to lean on, a sounding board, a friend. But he didn't treat me right. He took me for granted. Assumed I would always be there. In the beginning I was. I was there when he told me he loved me. I was there when he told me in not so many words that I was needy. I was there when he fell in love with someone else. But even i had a breaking point. It came a bit late but I knew I'd had enough. So I walked away. And he'll never know what it feels like to be loved by me.
Honestly speaking I'm a better person now. The excruciating pain that tore me to pieces before has now faded to a dull ache that appears once in a long while. Honestly speaking I'm happy now. It's just me, myself and I but we're holding up just fine. No more hoping and wishing. No more holding on to a dream that may never be. No more hurting for what used to be or could be. Honestly speaking it was fun. When it's all said and done it's something I know I wont forget any time soon.

This is how I let go

There is nothing as liberating as not caring. That doesn't sound right. There's nothing as liberating as getting yourself out from under someone's thumb. I've spent the last six years letting guys mess with my mind and my emotions but not anymore. Not today anyway. I'm tired. It's exhausting. Maybe it's because of the way I love. I love completely. No holds barred. I just dive in and give the best of me even when all I get are sloppy seconds. But this where I draw the line. I refuse to beg for attention. For care and affection. I've probably held on for so long because I hoped they would see that I am one hell of a catch. That this is as good as it gets. But it hurts too much when they don't. When someone can go for two weeks without a word it can't be any clearer. EPIC FAIL. I actually thought I could wear my heart proudly on my sleeve and that being real would actually get me somewhere. Turns out the ones with their hearts on their sleeves are the easier targets. Learnt that the hard way. But my heart has taken all that it possibly can. Anymore and I'll just go mental.
So this is my declaration. I'm done caring. If you don't want to talk I wont say a word. If you cannot be bothered with my well being best believe I will not even think twice about yours. When you need someone to sympathize with you I might not be the one you want to call. Every woman has a breaking point. I've reached mine and I'm too far gone for salvation. But I will definitely keep an open mind for the good guys out there I'm yet to meet.

I wait...

I wait for the sun to shine again.

I wait for a warm day without rain.

I wait for a smile.

I wait for reassurance you'll go the extra mile.

I wait for a kiss.

I wait for that moment of pure bliss.

I wait for your love.

I wait for some divine sign from above.

I wait for you to explore.

I wait for you to discover there's so much more.

I wait for you to trust.

I wait for confirmation that this is more than just lust.

I wait for you to open your eyes.

I wait for an end to tearful goodbyes.

I wait...

Tell me no lies

Tell me no lies with your sweet lips.
Tell me no lies with those mesmerizing eyes.
And maybe, just maybe I'll let my guard down for you.
Tell me no lies with the warmth of your touch.
Tell me no lies with your soft whispers in the early morning.
And maybe, just maybe I'll give you a glimpse into my heart.
Tell me no lies in the silence of night.
Tell me no lies in the birdsong of morning.
And maybe, definitely maybe i'll tell you none in return.

Lesson learnt

So I thought I was a genius. That I had everything figured out. But I really wasn't. I still had a lot to learn. About me. About life. About that crazy little thing called love. You know how they say you learn from your mistakes. I'm a quick study and I also make a lot of mistakes so i'm learning a lot and learning fast. My most recent lesson has been not to let something go before you're completely sure that you can do without it. But in this case it was more like someone rather than something. We had a complicated relationship and we both knew it. I'm not too sure if I overestimated the complication or underestimated it but I do know that I didn't deal with it how I should have. I should have let things be and just let the wind carry us wherever. But I meddled. Moved things around and lost the plot completely. Now I'm just standing here empty handed looking shell shocked, wondering how I got here even though I know perfectly well how I got here. They say you never miss a good thing till it's gone. I'd never known just how much I'd miss this good thing till now. Somehow the day feels a lot longer and a lot less bright. The colour's gone. The excitement that would make my tummy do a back flip is gone. I want to hold on to hope and say I'll get it all back but I know too well that it's too far gone. That's how bad I messed up. So much for having it figured out.

I called him Prince Charming

I called him Prince Charming not because of his dashing good looks, or his wit or dazzling charm. He was in no way any form of royalty (as far as I knew). I called him Prince Charming because of the way he came into my life and swept me off my feet. He came into my life when I was going through a difficult time and offered me my own fairytale ending. He offered me happily ever after and I eagerly reached out to accept it. It was the comforting words he spoke when I'd had a rough day; the way he would call me baby, sweetheart, my angel; the way he made me feel like a princess. He knew just what to say and when to say it. And I believed him. I saw forever with him. It was his hand I wanted to hold at the altar, his eyes I wanted to stare into when I woke up, his babies I wanted to read bedtime stories to.

I called him Prince Charming not because he came bearing a glass slipper or kiss of life or salvation from a fire-breathing dragon. I called him Prince Charming because he was there. When everyone else was nowhere to be found he was there. And he was there for me. Not for what I had or was going to have, but for who I was. He saw me. He saw the joy, the love, the hope, the sadness, the bitterness, the anger, the fear and yet he stayed.

I called him Prince Charming because he was my secret. Because no one could ever know. I called him Prince Charming because in my mind it made things easier. I called him Prince Charming because no one would have understood the reasons why, the ways how, the places where or the times when.

Question 1: Who am I?

I'm a daughter, sister, friend, roommate, classmate and to a whole lot of other people (and more often to myself) I'm a total stranger. I think I've done a pretty good job of being a daughter. I like to believe my parents are pretty proud of the young woman I've become (well, at least what they know about me). I know I rock as a sister. I don't snitch. I can keep a secret. And I'm pretty cool (if I may say so myself). I could be a better friend. I try. I just get so caught up in me sometimes and forget to be there for others. I wont take all the blame for some of the half baked friendships I have though. A relationship is a joint effort right? A total stranger? That's what I am to a lot of people and to myself. I look in the mirror and someone with a striking resemblance to me stares back at me. But she isn't me. She can't be me. The look in her eyes is far from familiar. She's sad, confused, and I'm pretty sure I've seen a hint of bitterness. I was happy once. I had no reason at all to be sad. I was surrounded with love and affection in their most abundant measure But now I feel cold and empty. I feel like I've been left inside out in the middle of the north pole. I used to know what and who I wanted. Now I have no idea. Each morning it gets harder and harder to be excited about the future. I get up and I can't wait for the day to be over. My mind is flooded with thoughts of whether this is where I want to be. If this is really it for me or if there is more out there somewhere. And yes, I am pretty bitter. I'm bitter because I've given all that I could but I've been disappointed, lied to and used. Wouldn't you be bitter too? Wouldn't you be bitter if you were promised happily ever after only to watch happily ever after being fufilled with someone else? Wouldn't you be bitter if you trusted and the person you invested the most trust in let you down. So this leads to my next question, where do I go from here?